SPORTS HUMOR

An Excerpt From

Football Folderol

In 1823 when William Webb Ellis picked up and ran forward with the ball for the first time, and against all the rules, he created a new sport and something for Howard Cosell to talk about. This is the generally accepted creation of the game called rugby, accurately named after his school, The Rugby School for Boys Who Don’t Follow the Rules.

Actually, the concept of catching, kicking and generally mauling your opponents was popular with the Romans, whose game was called harpastum, meaning “to seize.” Not sure if the reference is to the action on the field or the medical condition of the audience as a result of watching the action on the field. Perhaps this is why they preferred watching gory gladiator battles and lions eating Christians for lunch.

In medieval England there was a rather brutal sport involving somewhere between 20 and 200 players that was banned by the local employers because their workforce suffered many injuries and fatalities. It’s good to know bosses have always been so attuned to the health and safety of their employees. 

Eventually, a variation of rugby made it across the Atlantic just in time for Walter Camp to change everything. Some believe his modifications vastly improved the game that you watch in the Fall. The line of scrimmage replaced the scrum, and down-and-distance replaced random mayhem. He even legalized blocking, which of course led to holding, interference, chopping and knee injuries.

Thanks to William and Walter we have a uniquely American sport. Thank goodness something came along to keep all the cable companies in business.

An Excerpt From

Golf Gumbo

Golf, as many sports, is chockablock with witty quotes about the game, the players and the history of the sport. But perhaps the most famous golf quote is, “They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.” 

​The history of this memorable and fairly accurate quote is not what you think. American Golfer Raymond Floyd is often mistakenly credited with the phrase. Actually, the original line is, “You know why they call this game golf? Because all the other four-letter words were taken.” American professional golfer Jimmy Powell was quoted to say it in a 1989 newspaper article. Sadly, his PGA career lived up to his quote, since he played in over 100 tour events without a win (that would probably be a wellspring of some expletives from anyone).

But I believe they were both wrong on this score. There were plenty of appropriately obscene-sounding words that could have been utilized to express the trials and tribulations of this cruel game. Here is just a partial list for your consideration (and some possible meanings):

• Bulz - The sound a golf ball makes as it is halved by a chop saw.

• Crup - The residue found on wheels of a push cart after a round of golf.

• Garb - Perfect exclamation when stuck in a clothing store with your wife.

• Furk -  Dangerously close to another four-letter powerhouse, but still appropriate for social gatherings.

• Kack - Often disguised as a cough, this onomatopoeic word really means, “Go golf yourself.”

• Jerg - A clever combination of ‘jerk’ and ‘germ’, but nobody really knows how to use it.

• Mult - A derisive reference to anything that needs to be done more than once. 

• Nirk -  Often confused with ‘narc’, but surprisingly intended for indoor use only. 

• Wapy - A disdainful term for anyone wearing white socks with golf sandals. Actually, it works for anyone wearing golf sandals.